{Photo credit: LittleBunnyNomi}
For as long as I could remember, I’d never felt a deep longing to be a mother. Throughout the first six years of our marriage, my mentality towards having children bounced back and forth from “Not for me, thanks!” to “Maayyybe later.” to “IDK.” In fact, it has been a popular joke amongst our friends over the years that Chris was the one whose ovaries were throbbing for children.
I knew The Clock was ticking, but it never worried me because I was so ambivalent about ever becoming a parent. I was consumed with building a career, my hobbies, traveling, spontaneous nights out with friends, and splurging occasional paychecks on furniture. And I liked wine. Not only was there no room in my life for a child, I selfishly did not want to make room. I wasn’t ready, and I refused to take such an enormously personal leap based on fear, pressure, or expectations.
But at some point, there was a shift. There’s no other way to describe it. I’ve yet to place my finger on the exact moment or how this happened, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I had given myself time to pursue my goals and aspirations. God was stretching my heart, and I had finally grown into someone who no longer needed to make room – it was already there. I wasn’t quite ready to be a mother yet, but I felt… ready to be ready.
And then, one day, I was pregnant. Aside from fatigue and bouts of nausea, I didn’t feel very different at all. Was this really happening? Over the next several weeks, there were times when I was convinced that this growing bump was just filled with all the soondubu, watermelons, and Bagel Bites I’d been beasting non-stop.
But the moment I saw our tiny baby on that ultrasound, waving and dancing around, I felt overtaken with wonder and fascination. It became so real, and my heart pretty much exploded. It sounds so stinkin’ cliché, but I never thought I could be this thrilled about having a baby. I am actually relieved to be able to feel this kind of joy. If this had happened at any other time before now, I’m not so sure I would have felt the same way.
As I closed in on the tail end of my first trimester, I underwent some intensive prenatal testing. After a week of white-knuckling, we were super thankful to hear that the results checked out wonderfully. And, as an added bonus, we got to find out the gender early!
Baby BOY Jeng is due April 3rd, 2016.
A little guy. My mini man. Our son. He is changing our lives already. I find myself constantly wondering what he will be like. I am so eager to meet him, to hold him, to learn everything there is to know about him. I am so excited to fall in love with him. To become his mother.
Picturing Chris as a father brings tears of joy to my eyes. I cannot imagine my child having a better dad, and I cannot wait to watch Chris become one - I think that is the one thing I am looking forward to the most about having this baby. Chris is a remarkable husband, and he is going to be a phenomenal father.
Six years can seem like a pretty long time to be married before having a first child, but I am absolutely certain that waiting it out was the right decision for us. My heart changed when I least expected - not because I was ready, but because it was full. Chris and I are stronger, happier, and healthier than we’ve ever been, and we are surrounded by a solid community – I believe these factors are vital to our confidence in bringing a child into this world.
Thank you to our family and friends for taking the time to listen, support, and delight in this moment with us. Now, please go celebrate with a glass of wine for me! :)