Entries in Motherhood (3)


Happy Ollieday!

I still cannot believe our little guy turned ONE this past Saturday! To be quite honest, I was initially tempted to skip the fuss of throwing a birthday bash. However, I eventually realized that surviving the first year is a pretty major milestone, and we certainly didn't make it through alone. Festivities were in order! We ended up having a super low-key brunch party, and it was such a memorable gathering. I'm so glad we had this time to celebrate. After all, who couldn't use a little funfetti in their life? :)

Although it was Oliver's party, this day was also a celebration of our family and friends, near and far. You know who you are :) Chris and I want you to know that your love, generosity, and encouragement have sustained us through some of the craziest highs and lows over this past year. It hasn't always been easy, but your companionship has made this journey much more fruitful and rewarding. From the bottom of our hearts, thank you.

I've been told it just gets crazier, but also a lot more fun. There's lots to look forward to, and it's important that we exercise gratitude and remember to savor each step, big and small. We ask that you continue to pray for us, and to keep us accountable along the way. 

Words cannot describe how tremendously blessed we are to have you as our village! This little boy is so incredibly loved, and we are deeply grateful to be able to share him with you. 


Oliver 101

Oliver Huxley Jeng was born as the sun was rising on April 1st, 2016. I can still hear his first wobbly cry. The world just seemed to stop for a moment as he laid there on top of my heart. I was delirious with joy and exhaustion. All I could do was hold him tight.

I'll never forget the first day we brought our baby home... that feeling of excitement and sheer terror. I remember sitting there crying for hours, staring at his tiny face, marveling at each detail, wondering how in the world he could be so beautiful. I was in utter disbelief that I was actually his mama. This tiny human needed me more than anything has ever needed me. There was no turning back.

Navigating the complexities of motherhood has stretched, and at times, broken me. I have never been so consumed with love, worry, and happiness. I'm constantly struggling to wrangle anxieties, relinquish perfectionism, and follow my intuition. It has been an ongoing lesson in relying on God - I've needed His grace, peace, and wisdom more than ever. This season has cultivated a newfound resilience within me. It's perplexing how one can feel this vulnerable, depleted, and empowered all at once.

My heart aches as I watch that little baby steadily ebbing away. Then it soars when I see more of a little boy surfacing with each new day. Every time another facet of Ollie's emerging personality shines through, I am astounded by how much more deeply I am capable of loving him. Riding shotgun for new discoveries, witnessing milestones, and seeing the world through his eyes has humbled, edified, and strengthened me. I wouldn't trade this time together for the world.

People frequently ask, "What's Oliver like?" This sweet little boy. It feels impossible to sum him up with a few simple words. My son is inquisitive, pensive, gentle, and completely obsessed with Wonka. Ollie can be a bit reserved, but the truth is, he's downright silly. Whenever you get a laugh out of him, it's exuberant, it's infectious, and it feels like you've won a million bucks. I constantly wonder how we ever got so lucky.

It's been a wild ride. The views are more breathtaking than I ever could have imagined. And this is just the begining.

{Photo credit: LittleBunnyNomi}


A Tiny Announcement

{Photo credit: LittleBunnyNomi}

For as long as I could remember, I’d never felt a deep longing to be a mother. Throughout the first six years of our marriage, my mentality towards having children bounced back and forth from “Not for me, thanks!” to “Maayyybe later.” to “IDK.” In fact, it has been a popular joke amongst our friends over the years that Chris was the one whose ovaries were throbbing for children.

I knew The Clock was ticking, but it never worried me because I was so ambivalent about ever becoming a parent. I was consumed with building a career, my hobbies, traveling, spontaneous nights out with friends, and splurging occasional paychecks on furniture. And I liked wine. Not only was there no room in my life for a child, I selfishly did not want to make room. I wasn’t ready, and I refused to take such an enormously personal leap based on fear, pressure, or expectations.

But at some point, there was a shift. There’s no other way to describe it. I’ve yet to place my finger on the exact moment or how this happened, but I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I had given myself time to pursue my goals and aspirations. God was stretching my heart, and I had finally grown into someone who no longer needed to make room – it was already there. I wasn’t quite ready to be a mother yet, but I felt… ready to be ready.

And then, one day, I was pregnant. Aside from fatigue and bouts of nausea, I didn’t feel very different at all. Was this really happening? Over the next several weeks, there were times when I was convinced that this growing bump was just filled with all the soondubu, watermelons, and Bagel Bites I’d been beasting non-stop.

But the moment I saw our tiny baby on that ultrasound, waving and dancing around, I felt overtaken with wonder and fascination. It became so real, and my heart pretty much exploded. It sounds so stinkin’ cliché, but I never thought I could be this thrilled about having a baby. I am actually relieved to be able to feel this kind of joy. If this had happened at any other time before now, I’m not so sure I would have felt the same way.

As I closed in on the tail end of my first trimester, I underwent some intensive prenatal testing. After a week of white-knuckling, we were super thankful to hear that the results checked out wonderfully. And, as an added bonus, we got to find out the gender early!

Baby BOY Jeng is due April 3rd, 2016.

A little guy. My mini man. Our son. He is changing our lives already. I find myself constantly wondering what he will be like. I am so eager to meet him, to hold him, to learn everything there is to know about him. I am so excited to fall in love with him. To become his mother.

Picturing Chris as a father brings tears of joy to my eyes. I cannot imagine my child having a better dad, and I cannot wait to watch Chris become one - I think that is the one thing I am looking forward to the most about having this baby. Chris is a remarkable husband, and he is going to be a phenomenal father.

Six years can seem like a pretty long time to be married before having a first child, but I am absolutely certain that waiting it out was the right decision for us. My heart changed when I least expected - not because I was ready, but because it was full. Chris and I are stronger, happier, and healthier than we’ve ever been, and we are surrounded by a solid community – I believe these factors are vital to our confidence in bringing a child into this world.

Thank you to our family and friends for taking the time to listen, support, and delight in this moment with us. Now, please go celebrate with a glass of wine for me! :)